| | You know what?
You don't matter at all. Your life is about as insignificant as a pebble.
Your accomplishments don't matter, your troubles don't matter, no one really cares.
  
Zoom out a little and you'll see what I mean. On a larger scale, are lives are so small. Everything that we are can be summed up on a piece of paper. On the worldly scale, there are forest fires, financial crises of which I know nothing about, historical politics, hunger, poverty, the issues and disasters go on and on. And we are so focused on our lives, or at least I am. I didn't realize how selfish I was until today. We shouldn't be focused on ourselves, we should always try to improve where we live, pay attention to what's happening around us. Even if it's scary, even if it's unsettling. It's what we have to deal with. Except that's much easier said than done.
Here are more things that no one cares about and that you shouldn't waste time writing or thinking about: the fact that you have two pages left in your journal that you started in July, your new friendships, your goals, that your film came out, that you're worried about financial aid, that you wish you weren't shy, that you wish you could write more intellectually, that you could use a boost or two or three in self-esteem.
The only thing that does matter if you do something that lasts. Something worldly. Something that people remember. Which is why I'm so hell-bent on becoming a writer. That way, you can leave something here during your lifetime. In this case, it's OK for your book/story to be about yourself. Because one day, someone might pick it up and be affected by it and take away exactly what you want them to take away from it. (No, I don't now what that is yet.) The point is, you leave an indelible mark on the world, even if it's a small one. The saddening thing is, so many people live a life but they don't really live it. They're born, they experience things, they don't do anything with those experiences, and their time comes to leave. Photography works as well, because you can show other people how you perceive(d) the world, you can make someone stop and think about your photos and change them.
  
Rambling from the inner workings of my mind. I think these larger than life, worldly, you are so insignificant you shouldn't even try feelings started in English class today when Mr. Farrell read aloud a chapter from The Grapes of Wrath about overproduction and how they had to burn a lot of produce so they could sell for more. I, of course, didn't get the deeper meaning. I never do. But the way Mr. Farrell read it, you were transported back to the 1930s, the world was a desolate, colorless place. Of course I have no idea what this feels like, but I started to feel sick, right there in my seat, in the middle of him reading chapter 25 out loud. The desks were arranged like pews, like we were in a church. It felt too real for my taste.
  
Seriously, stop focusing on yourself.
I can't.
Selfish.
I know. But I have to do this:
To-do list:
-submit UC apps after people edit them and send act/sat scores (by SUNDAY)
-get a copy of my transcript/recommendation request form from my counselor to give to Mrs. Hogan
-give envelopes to Mrs. Wilson
-do the FAFSA thing (whaaaaaat)
-start CCA/Eugene Lang apps. And also send scores. (due Feb)
-english reading
-sleep.
Tonight's Grey's Anatomy was about sleep, at least the end of it was. They said how it's the easiest thing, all you do is close your eyes and in a matter of minutes, you'll be in that world of repose and serenity. I have a lot more to say, but I won're bore you. The fact is, it wouldn't satisfy me to continue, I'd just read it and think what a load of crap it is, how I'm not getting anywhere with the time I'm wasting that could be spent sleeping.
Gosh. What if I was productive? DIDN'T WASTE time on this pointless thing called THINKING? It really doesn't get me anywhere, I can't say that enough. It just makes me fall deeper, staring at the screen while my eyes seem to harden because they're fighting so hard to stay open. Sometimes it gets dangerously late, so late that I can already call it "tomorrow", and I have no idea why I'm still up. It's disconcerting, really. And here I am, going against what I said before, that I wouldn't continue. I'll stop. I really need better self control. By the way, the icons are of things I care a lot about but they also don't matter. Going along with the theme.
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| | Posted 11/21/2008 12:02 AM - 36 Views - 8 eProps - 5 comments
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